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Come back to me Mr. X. Show me the meaning of eternal love. I am yours.

I don't like being single. I don't like not having someone to look forward in seeing someone or talk to someone. I know I am supposed to be alone for the rest of my life. Its a tough pill to swallow. Sigh. I almost gave my number to mr n tonight just so I could hear another voice besides my own. I keep pretending I am ok with being alone but I am not.

I havent been single in 13 years. I dont even know if I still have a type. Its all very overwhelming right now if I am being totally honest. I don't really know what to feel or think.



Ive returned to the orgin of my blood dreams. I wonder if there is a connection. When i thought about it tonight my heart started to thrum that particular way. This feeling keeps getting stronger every minute i am here.



I had to lie to my support system here. I hate lying but I just can't tell them the ttuth. Like Mr. N they are very closed minded.



I feel like im in the location I need to be. Hopefully things will turn around for me. My support system asked me about Mt. N today. All i could do was laugh. That puppet has no idea how to obtain love. All he had to do was send me a decent message but no he selfishly made it about degrading me. Fuck him. He has been put in my list with the two sobs and mr br. The three people I hate the most in this world. Mr. N will never admit to being wrong besides he still has me blocked and I don't. So yea after all is said and done with the very thought of messaging him seemed too funny.



I miss Ex. He hasn't logged on in so long. I wish I could go back in time and prevent myself from evee sending that message that destroyed our friendship. I loved him so much. Sigh. I know thinking about him is a lost cause I guess I am only thinking about him in the hopes my heart hasn't frozen forever. I have to keep reminding muself, he never said he loved me. He easily walked away and never returned. My support system suggested I go online to find a new boyfriend. I can't even begin to think about all the lies I will have to tell in order to blend in and not lose my humanity. I may have been married all this time but I have been lonelier than I have ever been.



What if I really am destined to be aline, will I be able to handle it? Or will I succumb to the darkness that is eating away at my heart leaving nothing but a gnarweld scar

Things are great

hmmm its been so many years since I was single I think I forgot the feeling of it. Now I guess the real question is do I want to fight the universe for another to love or just be grateful i am alone again.

Just like that it's all over now. I am officially and utterly alone.

What would it be like to be with a man who didn't act like a scorned child when things got rough? I have no where to go. Things are pretty bad and I am at risk of losing it all. But once I do lose it all I have no where to go. I have no help in fixing this mess. He used to say I was the cursed one. But I think he is. I'm so worried and stressed out I don't know what to do. I can't believe I am about to be homeless and jobless for the upteenth time in my life. I can't believe I am drowning when I am trying to swim

What a beautiful day it was today. I love it when it rains and the leaves fall. It’s so peaceful when the wind blows. I had such a long shift today and five more just like it. I have to make up some time I recently missed. Ugh, I hate my job, but the nice thing about today was I had a great conversation. My boss that has a crush on me spent over an hour chatting with me today really getting to know me. Lol he may be great to look at but turns out he is definitely not my type. He doesn’t even celebrate Halloween for fuck sake. What kind of non american doesn’t celebrate Halloween. At first I was like yep he is going to be the one I go after but after today I am like nah, I am good.



I had a dream that freaked me out this morning. Now that I am back on night shift I can easily sleep more when the sun is rising. It’s only when the sun is rising that bothers me the most. Course it does burn me really really easy than before if I am out in it. Thinking back to this morning I don’t remember the dream. Maybe I should start back up my dream journal.



I’ve been eating again, but mostly just junk and raw things. I can’t seem to stomach anything else. Omg most of the food that is cooked for me tastes so bad even some of the smells is starting to churn my stomach. Some of it is just fucking disgusting.



There was a man that smelled so good tonight that came to my work. All I wanted to do was follow him around and sniff him. lol I imagine that would get me some looks. He wasn’t good looking by any means and was so fat that it was way over his belt. But whatever he was using for cologne it was so good smelling.

I have decided to let those i blocked on facebook keep thinking they are blocked. That way they don't bother me and I dont have to go on their page to reblock them. I just have so much going on right now I don't have the time for all that drama.



I had a very weird dream this morning. For the first time in a while I didn't wake up shaking. I actually just felt calm. That rarely happens. But it was nice for a change.



I am so happy for the cooler weather. Fall is my favorite season. I watched an old lady raje leaves today in the rain like they were a nuisance to her. I love the fallen leaves and I just wanted to tell her raking them in the rain is pointless.



I did my best to relax today. I mainly kept quiet and stayed in my own little corner workibg hard on plan a. Plan a is cominf along nicely and I am so excited. I don't cate if it's small potatoes right now the point is I feel like I am doing something. I feel alive.



I am tired so I am going to call it an early night and resume working hard tomorrow. However my heart keeps racing every time I even think about sleep. I wonder if that means Mr. X will be visiting my dreams tonight. It's been a while I must admit. Maybe he forgot about me like the rest of the world has. Oh well I can't keep my eyes open I must sleep.

Thanks life for making sure to kick me while I was down. I really appreciate that. When I asked for things to change this isn't what I had in mind. Sigh.



Things are at shambles worst. I keep telling myself not to give up and that it will get better eventually. Apparently that will happen when I die.



As soon as I get off work I am goingbtp drown my sorrows in a scary movie and a rare piece of meat.

i feel so strange tonight. rapid heart beat, being called to sleep. i've been so tired sleepig my days away yet i still feel so tired. Perhaps something is about to change....

The lonely sound of whats left of my heart breaking.

The sun has been really hurting my eyes today. I spent most of my day in turmoiled sleep. Waking up long enough to be hungry and sick at the same time. Waking up feeling powerless drained and shaking is not a fun day for me. Then to top off everything I had to deal with sob#2 throwing a tantrum and destroying the house again. Lovely. I made him clean up yhe mess and fell back to sleep. I can't seem to stay awake today. I wanted to write but only managed a couple of sentences before I was called into sleep again. I have a ton of night shifts coming uo. I am so happy I am not on days anymore. Still job hunting for a better job though. Its just bit happening. Its like the sob #2 has flung me into a bad luck black hole. It would be nice to be around a positive man. But I won't allow myself to wish for anything better. So for now survival mode is all I have.I will learn to accept that.

god damn it! So I ran into a glitch or something on facebook. Everyone I have blocked in the last month are suddenly unblocked. I tried to block them all again and I have to wait 48 hours to do so. Such a pain in the ass. You would think that the site wouldn't have so many errors. I bet it's because I am beta testing the damn thing. I so wish I was no longer a beta tester.



Anyway, I dreamt of Halloween this morning. It was a strange dream. I don't normally dream of my favorite holiday. Today was nice, it rained some but mostly the sun hid behind the clouds. It was so nice to get a break from it. However food, made me sick today. Now it's almost 1 am and I am starving. I ate some tonight, but mostly junk food. I know that's not going to slim me down eating that junk but it's the only thing I can stomach the taste and smell. I nearly barfed today right out in public. There was a restraurant cooking some sort of chicken and it smelled badly.



Sob#2 is refusing to pull his finanicial weight aroung here. Instead he is insisting I find a better job so I can continue to support him and his habbits. I am job hunting for a better job but not so I can support him. I am fed up with him, especially since he threatened to take her away from me. I am doing iit so that way when I do finally gain my freedom I can make sure I can give her a much better life. I would love to say I am strong, but I must admit that with his emotional abuse to me, he is wearing me down. I started to smoke again. I've reached past the point of being angry anymore.



Everyone is concerned with my well being all of a sudden. Dreams, visions and vibes that I am not myself or that I am going to get hurt is flying about. Many friends that I haven't spoken to in a while suddenly have popped back into my life. It's nice I suppose. I just don't have anything to say about any of it. Where was this attention I needed when I first hit rock bottom? Or when I first realized I no longer loved sob #2? or when I cried out for help? Makes me want to just crawl into my isolated shell and ignore everyone. I am sure they mean well, and it's not their fault life made them all so busy.



I must try and get some sleep i have such a busy day tomorrow. My heart is racing that special way again. Perhaps someone is thinking about me, or perhaps my mind is only trying to trick me into thinking that someone cares so I don't give up completely.

I am stressed out to the point of wanting to choke someone. I don’t know how to get myself out of this hole. I have no support system, it’s just me. Sure millions of women in the world struggle the same as I do, Iwon’t deny that. It just makes things that more difficult for me. I can’t wait until I am free from this parasite.



I started dreaming again after about a week of not really dreaming. I don’t really remember the dream to be honest but it was enough to put me on edge for the day.



I told my boss I was quitting today, talk about a disappointed face. However it’s not enough to get me to stay. He is after all just a crush. He doesn’t mean anything to me, which means I have to keep moving forward with my future. Oh well. I am going to miss him but at the same time, it’s probably too soon to be testing the waters for me. I don’t really have any faith in love, lust or marriage anymore. It all just seems pointless. I used to think my mission in life was to find my soulmate, and or the man from the blood dreams. I seem to have lost faith in that too. I can’t really be honest to say I just don’t care anymore. I am defeated. I am not even sure I want conversation anymore. So much of my waking life is spent in silence. Whats the point of anything? My existence means nothing. I’m depressed, I am falling into this black hole and I am dying.

Whatever just like that I have erased that nameless shithead from my mind. Only I can remove his curse and by the time the next full moon I won't even remember who he is. so point for me. Just for the record, I never claimed to be a good person. In fact I claim to be a monster all over the place. It's not my fault if you thought of me something different. I am not. and never will be. In fact I am getting quite comfortable in my monster skin.



Finally it's October! Finally I can start getting ready for Halloween, the one night where this monster blends in perfectly. I am so excited to tell the truth. This Halloween feels different from the last, this one feels alive for some reason.



I am really trying to montior how much I eat. Two reasons by the spring I shall be single again and no one says give me that slightly overweight one. and the second reason is because I am so tired of being sick. So yea my diet is getting strange. There are some foods I can tolerate, so I am sticking them in my diet. There isn't a lot anymore. Truth be told, there are some foods that make me want to gag. Like chocolate poptarts. I used to love them but here lately they make me want to gag.



Work is becoming a little more bearable I suppose. The newest manager definitely has a crush on me. Which is fine, he is not bad on the eyes so I am just soaking up all the extra attention. The weird thing is I already know everything about him, my guess from a dream. It makes it a little uncanny to talk to him knowing what I know. But I won't let that be an issue, just means I am quiet and letting him do the talking. I feel like I have met him for a reason I am just not sure what at the moment.